A fellow on Facebook who does not like my posts threatened to sue me when I called him a liar. Here is my response:
Dear Sir,
Lately, you have shown yourself to be a little bit overly reactive to my recent Facebook posts. I would like to point out that behaving in such a manner can cause stress which may weaken your immune system, leaving you more vulnerable to covid. By now, I imagine you are aware that your immune system has a 99.97% chance of beating Covid so maybe that is why you are not afraid to work yourself up in a tizzy. If this is indeed the case, I applaud your ability to see through the media propaganda and accept truth and knowledge over fear and lies. More power to you, brother! I don’t mean to be a scaremonger but please consider avoiding stress so you don’t catch the flu but maybe you are also refusing to fear the flu since it has magically vanished this year. Therefore, you feel safe to be a Mr. Cranky Pants if you choose to be a Mr. Cranky Pants. Personally, I like to avoid stress and the flu so I take daily vitamins such as vitamin C, D, and Zinc and try to laugh at the madness of life.
I would like to respond to your threat to sue me. I thought it would be best to take this matter with all the seriousness it deserves. For the record, I noticed your ‘notice’ and so I have contacted my legal team who have advised me to tell you to get some professional help to “pull that chili out of your bottom” May I ask, do you actually have chili in your bottom or was that just some legal jargon from my team of lawyers?
I would like to take this opportunity to let you know I don’t like your negative comments and nonsensical views that you have been sharing on my Facebook page because I think they are false. However, I like to look for the Truth in all people and I noticed that not all of what you have written is false, for example, you called me a ‘failed comedian’. Truthful or not, I don’t think your words come from a place of support and tenderness. Is this the man you wanted to be when you were a 9-year-old boy in your Spiderman costume looking in the mirror? I do appreciate your determination to force your erroneous view upon me but sometimes I feel the way you are doing it can be a little tedious, like when you sent me job applications to be a cleaner. I must admit that I did find the post you shared about the fact there are no jobs for comedians slightly amusing. It pointed out that I have lost my ability to earn a living which is hilarious. As soon as I laughed, I immediately felt a pain in my heart as I pictured many of my fellow comedians and artists all over the world struggling and then a second pain when I thought that other humans like your good self could take pleasure in such misery. What has happened to humanity, my brother? What has happened to that little boy in his Spiderman costume?
I cannot deny I am a ‘failed’ comedian in the sense that I am out of work since the Covid regulations stopped me from being able to do what I love. For more than 10 years, I laughed my ass off, met with some of the funniest people on the planet, and felt that I really lived the dream but sadly, as you so honestly pointed out, success is often not evaluated on enjoying life. Thank you for having the courage to speak your truth and remind me of my lack of success.
I always loved the expression, ‘where there is darkness, I shall bring light.’ My true aim as a comedian, even a ‘failed one’, is to bring joy and since you get enjoyment from my misery, let me share with you some more of my suffering; I lost three thriving businesses. A number of people who owe me money has failed to pay me. I became so depressed I did not know I was depressed. I put on 10 kilos and was even eating my fingernails. I stopped being funny or creative (or even less so than usual, you may add). My partner left me. I could not afford rent so moved out. My family believes in the media so I may not see them at Christmas. Someone I care about has tried to commit suicide and someone else I know succeeded. I may never see my grandmother (who I love dearly) again. Are you happy now? Are you giggling with joy?
Why stop the joy with covid-suffering? I have a life of suffering I can share with you. Why don’t you lie down on your bed and get out the coconut oil because you are in for a moment of extreme pleasure? Are you ready you naughty, little boy? I once got attacked by someone with a bottle and he nearly cut my face open. The banks took my properties after the financial crisis and I was left penniless. I have been punched many times. My own uncle hates me. I have been arrested, put in a cell, and punched by cops. I have no home. I was kicked in the head on the ground once. I was also spat upon. A business partner stole $25,000 from me, once. I have been rejected more times than I remember. I miss my uncle Sean and Aunty Peg on a daily basis. A friend of mine stole over 40 bitcoins from me. When I was younger, I was touched inappropriately by a teacher. I was kicked out of school. A teacher once punched me in the stomach when I was 9. I do not connect with my family as much as I would like to. One of my best friends shot himself and I still blame myself. Sometimes I feel like I shall never have a home in this world and feel so fucking lost. Once I finally got with a woman I was mad about and suffered from premature ejaculation so badly that she burst out laughing. I then got annoyed and walked into a glass door, fell over, and gave myself a black eye. She laughed again. Is this enough enjoyment for you? I do have more painful memories but I don’t want you to be so overwhelmed by the joy that you break your micky because then you would need to go to the hospital but you may be scared to go to the hospital due to your irrational fear of covid and so you would have to stay at home with a broken micky and I would not wish that upon you.
For any of your animosity and ill-will towards me, I forgive you. Fully. I would invite you to remind yourself that compassion and good-will towards others is always the answer, but I expect you already know that and don’t need my advice. On the off chance, you actually do need my advice, stop wearing that silly mask of yours and breathe in life fully. Breathe in life into your heart, judge less and never tell others how to live. My views that I am sharing on my Facebook page are simply my views, which I am entitled to whether you like them or not. I believe them to be true and often hilarious. If you don’t like what I write, just go on to one of the millions of other pages that will tell you that you are great for participating in this façade like, RTE or any other mainstream media. I promise not to put any of my views on your page or post them in your letterbox or sneak up behind you and stuff my views in your pocket. I have no interest in changing your views whatsoever and I genuinely wish you the best… but then you threatened me. Tut Tut Tut.
Did you think that if you wrote some legal-sounding words that I may get scared and would suddenly apologise, crawl on my hands and knees, beg for your forgiveness while wearing nothing but a mask? I genuinely wonder how you imagined this would pan out. You threaten me, then I say something like, “screw you, you big turnip head” and your turnip face would go all purple with anger turning into more of beetroot, and so we would go to court. In court, you would stand there and the person acting as the judge asks you, ‘what’s up bitch’ and you say, “Aidan called me a turnip head and a liar.” Then Judge Judy turns to me and says, “Hey Aidan, you’re looking swell” to which I reply, “You’re not the judge of me” and she giggles. Then I swear on the Bhagavad Gita and admit I wrote, “turnip head is a liar” so then you would need to prove you are not a liar (or a turnip head), and quite frankly, I am not convinced you can prove any such thing. The concept of threatening me with a court is so ludicrous that it actually brought a smile to my unmasked face. So once again, thank you. The only thing I can think of that is sillier than threatening me with the courts is your insistence that lockdowns are a good idea. You have just been added to my list of people in urgent need of unconditional love that I send love to every day.
2020 has been such a mad old year for all of us, so I would not be surprised if you actually did sue me. If we join this court adventure together, I promise to represent Aidan but I would gently request a jury of peers, and then finally I could perform to a live audience again and we can see if this ‘failed comedian’ can still make an audience laugh or not.
If you don’t want to go to court any longer, I humbly ask you to not threaten me again (or anyone) and politely suggest that you consider unfollowing me. However, I shall not block you because I like to believe we are all on the side of Truth, there is only Love and that which appears not be love must be treated with laughter. Go in peace,
Aidan