What would Buddha do?

Before he got the nickname the Buddha, he was a mere prince by the name of Siddhārtha. He existed about 500 years before Pontius Pilate educated the masses about the importance of washing hands, which is all the rage these days. Siddhārtha was a lucky wee lad and had an easy life, much like me. He was a healthy, talented prince, with bag loads of cash and had a super-hot princess as his wife. When he was 29 years old, his super-hot princess wife gave birth to a so. Seven days later, he left her.

Some say Siddhārtha left his wife because they disagreed over whether to vaccinate the baby or not, others say he was in search of enlightenment, but who knows to be sure? What we do know is that his super-hot princess wife was pissed! Women get so emotionally reactive when they have your baby and you do a runner. Women! I’m not saying, I am exactly the same as the Buddha but, I once stumbled in a few hours late and the beautiful princess, who I lived with, went bananas. I should’ve looked her in the eyes and stated, ’At least I didn’t do a Buddha’. However, I lacked the eloquence required, and instead slept on the couch and mumbled something like,’ You’re not even a real princess.’

For 6 years, Siddhārtha went ‘finding himself’ backpacking around India, He saved money by sleeping under trees and he spent his days asking randoms if they knew any enlightened gurus. Luckily, back then, gurus, much like today, were two a penny! He found himself doing yoga at dawn in elephant pants, he joined tantra courses and kundalini yoga seminars, but could never concentrate fully with all those flexible, little, yogi chicks in spandex. No matter how many downward dogs he did, he failed to acquire all the secrets of the Universe. He believed in his gurus, but no matter how much he believed in them, they did not work, just like masks and lockdowns. And so, he changed gurus faster than governments change covid regulations.

He was desperate for enlightenment and so when he heard of a commune in Pune, where an entire community dedicated their lives to enlightenment, he jumped with joy and was convinced that this was his cup of tea. No sooner can you say, ‘mRNA vaccinations are a dangerous experiment,’ he finished his delicious Barry’s tea, and booked a third-class elephant ticket to Pune.
On his arrival, he noted that everyone was wearing the same clothes. He thought it was a bit cultish and mumbled, ‘Buddhas don’t practice nonsense.’ During one of the morning meditation sessions, he opened his eyes and saw that all the men had throbbing erections protruding through their silky, cultish garments. This may have been when he had the realisation that, ‘Whatever has the nature of arising has the nature of ceasing’ and when he realised that some are using the search for enlightenment as an excuse to get a good ride and a finger in the bum. He felt quite foolish, but smiled to himself as he thought, “The fool who knows he is a fool is that much wiser.” He did the one thing he had proven to be really good at, he left.

He met 5 friends along the way. One of his new ‘mates’ asked him, ‘do you know what you should do?’ and Siddhārtha responded with compassion, ’What’s that now, Ted? and Ted continued, ‘You should starve yourself till you are enlightened.’ And so he fasted, he fasted until he was ill. As he faced death, he was no closer to enlightened so he ate a sandwich. His 5 ‘mates’ were angry with him for eating, so they bullied him, called him names and left him on his Toblerone. He felt the pain of abandonment, pictured the faces of his super-hot princess wife and son and a little tear rolled down his sad little face as he sat there under a tree like, Billy-no-mates, singing ‘Happy Valentine’s day to me’. He reminded himself of his desire to end the suffering of mankind, lifted his chin and stated with confidence, “If you find no one to support you on the spiritual path, walk alone.” He closed his eyes and meditated his ass off, under that tree.

That’s when the devil turned up. He was up to his usual slippery, trickery temptations. He tried to tempt him with some super hot, nudey, dancing chicks but Siddhārtha, who had practice at resisting the yoga hotties, closed his eyes and refused the temptations. Not even a pinch of a bum or the lick of a nipple! 40 days later he was enlightened. Who knew? All you need to do is stay away from the boobs.

Siddhārtha became the Buddha. He was perfected in wisdom. Craving and destructive desire had been completely eradicated, as a fire goes out for lack of fuel. Now that he was enlightened (and without any desire for boobs) he wanted to help others turn their frowns upside down. It’s like when open-minded people realise that there is no science backing up lockdowns, they desire to share this with others. It’s like when intelligent people realise the PCR tests are a load of codswallop, they patiently explain this to others through the noisy accusations of ‘conspiracy theorist’. It’s like when beautiful enlightened souls realise the asymptomatic ‘casedemic’ is a perpetuation of needless fear, they desire to help others chose love over fear.

Buddha wanted to free humanity from their masks and false illusions, and started with the 5 dudes who bullied him. He told them that desire dies, illusions end, and ignorance vanishes like the night. Then the sun of enlightenment shines and they were like, ‘Yeah! Yeah! We get it.’ but they were still putting thumbtacks under each other’s bums. Buddha patiently spoke, ’peace comes from within, do not seek it without’. The lads started making jokes about flatulence, being ‘better out than in’ and again, Buddha had infinite compassion in his heart. This is when he decided to break down the process of enlightenment for dummies, which became known as the Four Noble Truths.

  1. There is suffering
    (People wear masks)
  2. Cause of suffering is attachment
    (Attachment to wearing masks)
  3. Suffering can end by letting go of attachment
    (Just take it off)
  4. The 8 fold noble path
    (Don’t even think about wearing a mask)

After 6 years, he went back to his super-hot princess wife empty handed so he said. ‘The greatest gift is to give people is your enlightenment, to share it. It has to be the greatest.’ She fell for it and was surprisingly cool about the whole being abandoned thing.

I like to use humour as a tool (a mask, if you will) to help make sense of world. Buddha’s wisdom helps me see and remove the masks I wear. In life, I experience some very beautiful moments when all my fears, attachments and desires fizzle away until there is nothing left but Love. Buddha dedicated his life to help us find this Infinite love within. And so, I would like to end on this Buddha quote which seems so pertinent today.

‘Do not believe in anything simply because you have heard it. Do not believe in anything simply because it is spoken and rumoured by many. Do not believe in anything simply because it is found written in your religious books. Do not believe in anything merely on the authority of your teachers and elders. Do not believe in traditions because they have been handed down for many generations. But after observation and analysis, when you find that anything agrees with reason and is conducive to the good and benefit of one and all, then accept it and live up to it.’

1 thought on “What would Buddha do?”

Leave a Comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Scroll to Top