Flying home today without a PCR test.
I have booked a flight from Amsterdam to Dublin and they want me to 1) wear a mask 2) get a PCR test, and 3) fill in a locator form. I don’t wear masks, I don’t want anyone sticking anything inside me and I certainly don’t want anyone who wants my nose to be penetrated to know where I sleep at night.
There are many reasons why don’t consent but this seems not to be the time of reason. In fact, what is passing as ‘reason’ in Ireland sends shivers down the spines of all the sane beings in the Universe. All 11 of us. My wish is to fly home peacefully without hindrance while showing off my smile to the clouds. My wish is my command. However, I wonder will the border control cops understand the power of my wishes or shall I be detained against my will or threatened with quarantine or prison?
I hear voices, ’Just put on the mask you little anti-mask drama queen’ I could but they don’t work and I don’t want to participate in a lie. I could for the sake of fitting in, but I could also wear a plastic Lance Armstrong to stop cancer, which would be equally as effective. Despite that, I think I shall wear the mask on the plane but not once I am off the plane, I don’t expect to ever wear one in Ireland. Flying without a mask is so 2020, now the real challenge is how to fly without getting probed. Hmmmm.
I flew without a mask in January and it ended up being quite fun. At the airport, some security guy with a cynical raised eyebrow and an intolerance for humanity, insisted on seeing my exemption letter. I usually don’t like to show off, but I shared it with him. Instead of giving me a high five, he made a face as if someone peed in his tea and briskly walked me past the queues, to a special VIP fast track security check. Cool! Finally, face liberators are getting the respect they deserve. I walked into shops against the arrows for fun. It works just the same but makes you feel way better. Martin Luther King Jr. said, “An individual who breaks a law that conscience tells him is unjust, and who willingly accepts the penalty of imprisonment in order to arouse the conscience of the community over its injustice, is in reality expressing the highest respect for the law.” But he did much more than walk against the arrows. I wonder if someone will shoot me too, under the watchful eye of the FBI.
One guy at the whiskey counter seemed upset and did a funny awkward little jump backwards when he looked upon my naked face, as if I were Medusa. I gently assured him he would be okay in my most soothing voice and it actually worked. He came closer to me and did not turn into stone. So far so good! When I got to the boarding counter there was a tall elegant, short-haired air hostess. I showed her my doctor’s note and she raised her right eyebrow, which meant she thought my medical condition was about as real as this pandemic or else she thought about getting me a membership to the mile high club. Who knows?
She called someone on the thingy and then politely asked me to wait beside the wheelchairs. The sweet irony! Either they were not going to let me on board or else tall, elegant, short-haired air hostess was gonna wheel me on in style. A flustered pilot came out and asked me about my health. I looked him straight in the eye and told him the truth. ‘I could die if I wear a mask.’ He said I may not be able to travel as if to try instill fear but just like Jesus and Buddha, I resisted temptation. Rather than choosing possible death by mask, I calmly expressed that I would be disappointed if I was turned away due to my condition. He rang head office and a few minutes later, I was doing the maskless walk of victory, past a plane full of envious eyes. I counted 11 liberated noses. I wonder how many people mumbled and muffled ‘grannykiller’ under their masks – probably none.
My seat was moved to the back beside the loos, which is actually discrimination but, unlike Martin Luther King Jr., I let t go. You got to choose your battles carefully has always been a motto so close to my heart. I had 6 seats to myself, the staff were extra friendly, they offered me free drinks and one of them even came close to me, took his mask down, apologised for the earlier inconvenience and winked at me. I was treated like the king that I am. Then, as if the gods themselves intervened to reward me for my bravery the tall elegant, short-haired air hostess lady walked up the aisle, looked directly at me, then went into the toilet. I listened carefully but I did not hear the sound of the door locking. Oh my goodness! I was flattered but too busy smiling to the clouds.
Today is a bit scarier though because last time I found a loophole and this time I intend to refuse their test and locator form, which may cause a possible conflict, unless they happen to be cool. If I signed there nosey little form, I would be consenting and lying and I truly believe that the way to beat deceit and fear is with honesty and courage. So I am gonna just be a man and exercise my inalienable rights, my rights to travel, and my rights to choose what enters my body. Surely, that should not be a big deal. I mean was there even a pandemic in Ireland in 2020? It does not appear that there were any more deaths than any other year. Hmmmm.
The PCR test is really dumb. At this stage the world and their isolated granny knows that the PCR test create gazillions of false positives and is being misused so Dr. Faucci and Bill Gates can giggle together in their bath of human suffering. I am healthy and I love my body so why would I let them stick something in my brain? What are they even looking for, my DNA? If they really want it, I could blow my nose and give them phlegm, but I’m not a charity so I’d have to charge them ten thousands euros for it. That’s my price for my sputum! But I am willing to negotiate and sell then two tissues full of my sputum for 15k. But even if they did pay me 10k, I won’t be letting them to stick things in any of my orifices. I’m not into it. No means no! I heard from a good female friend of mine that her relative in Ireland had an anus and groin swab. Seriously! What about a bit of self-respect and dignity or at least a dinner and and some flowers, first? Are we literately going to bend over and be prodded for a flu? I can hear Gates and Faucci giggling.
My other beautiful friend, Mary…. Hmmm, have you noticed how much braver women are the men these days? Anyway, she suggested I beat them at their own game and tell them that ‘I can’t get a PCR test because I can’t take my mask off. I wear it all the time to protect me because it’s too dangerous with this deadly pandemic going around. I never take it off so there I don’t need a test because the mask protects me, right?’ I could also just fake a test but then I would not be standing honour. I would be lying and possibly committing a crime and I don’t want to lie, bend my principles, nor bend for PCR tests.
The easiest thing to do would be to just go with the flow, wear the mask, get the PCR test and fill in their locator form and do whatever they ask but that just doesn’t feel right. Some of my well-meaning friends encouraged me to take it but they wear masks and I find it hard to trust anyone who wears a mask ever since Victor Hugo whispered in my ear, ‘virtue has a veil, vice a mask.’ The thing is, I would be participating and consenting to that which goes against my interests, my principles and the general good of humanity. Despite all those eloquent words, I feel a nervous.
I have been swinging in a pendulum or fear and love, losing the dawn for fear of the night and losing this moment to say goodbye to friends for the fear of conflict with strange men in uniforms in airports. It’s good to remember that men without their uniforms, are just men in the nude with flapping willies and hairy bottoms. If they had no Mr. Toughpants suit on, I could probably poke them in the bellybutton and make them giggle and maybe even convince them to do the helicopter.
But what happens if they don’t let me fly? What happens if they let me fly but don’t let me through border control? What happens if they surround me and intimidate me? What happens if they force me to quarantine or imprison me? So many questions but the only question that matters is ‘Who Am I?’